Saturday, March 24, 2012

Being In It

An hour ago, in the middle of a meltdown, my sweet 8 year old boy screamed at me that he wants to kill himself.  He hates his life.
How as his Mom, as the person who loves this child more than anyone else in the world, am I supposed to even begin to process that?  My poor Michael is in so much emotional turmoil.  The Lyme is overwhelming him.  He can't think clearly when he gets like this and I am terrified that he may one day actually harm himself.  Again I told him (while hugging him and sobbing) how very much I love him, how devastated I would be if he were not in my life, how important he is to me, and how he is an amazing kid who is so full of good.  I begged him to come talk to me if he's feeling this way, reiterated that he can talk to me about anything, that no matter what he tells me I will still love him 100% and that I will do my best to help him.  Yet I am left to wonder if he heard me.  Did anything I say sink in?

I am not an overly religious person but all I know to do is to hold my son and pray to God to carry him through this, to be with him in the midst of the chaos, and to show me how to help him.


  1. Tell them that he is loved by us and you are too. I too will pray tonight for peace in his soul and health in his body.

  2. Hi Amy,
    I'm not a homeschooling mom. I ended up on your blog through links, kind of by accident.
    I am a mom with a 24 yr old daughter who has had a very rare type of epilepsy since she was 11. I started by reading your last post above and was horrified(for both you and your son) and totally recognized your feelings of helplessness - that I had for many years with my daughters illness - when you can't help your suffering child.
    I don't know anything about how Lyme disease causes such turmoil in someone, but am planning to look it up. What my daughter had - still has to a much lesser degree with anti-convulsant medication - caused her to feel and act very similar to Michael for many years until doctors figured out what it was and what medications she needed. And, as I said, I went through such feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and basically everything you've described.
    I noticed that you only got one comment on both your last posts that dealt mainly with Michael and I realized right away that most people who have not experienced (lucky for them) such a truly overwhelming and, yes, horrible time with any of their children, they really don't know what to say. I know that this kind of thing is "heavy" and that most, especially young, parents are at a loss for what to say or how to help.
    I hope that you are getting the help you need for both you and your son and the whole family,too, as I know these major health problems affect the entire family.
    But most of the burden usually falls on the mom and my thought is, please don't take this negatively, that you might want to consider not homeschooling until you get whatever kind of help is needed for your whole family. If you break down you wont't be able to help Michael or anyone else.
    What I've said isn't much, but I hope it encourages you to know there are other moms who understand what you are living through and that I'll bet they would say what I have said - don't carry this whole burden, and more, by yourself, but look for and ask for the help you need!
    I will check back on your blog at some point to see if you are posting again, although you may need a break from this, too.

    and my thought, please don't take it negatively, is that you might want to consider not homeschooling until you get whatever kind of help is needed, because if you break down under all the weight you are carrying you won't be able to help Michael, or anyone else.