Saturday, March 24, 2012

Being In It

An hour ago, in the middle of a meltdown, my sweet 8 year old boy screamed at me that he wants to kill himself.  He hates his life.
How as his Mom, as the person who loves this child more than anyone else in the world, am I supposed to even begin to process that?  My poor Michael is in so much emotional turmoil.  The Lyme is overwhelming him.  He can't think clearly when he gets like this and I am terrified that he may one day actually harm himself.  Again I told him (while hugging him and sobbing) how very much I love him, how devastated I would be if he were not in my life, how important he is to me, and how he is an amazing kid who is so full of good.  I begged him to come talk to me if he's feeling this way, reiterated that he can talk to me about anything, that no matter what he tells me I will still love him 100% and that I will do my best to help him.  Yet I am left to wonder if he heard me.  Did anything I say sink in?

I am not an overly religious person but all I know to do is to hold my son and pray to God to carry him through this, to be with him in the midst of the chaos, and to show me how to help him.