Relapse

I hate Lyme disease.  No that's not true, hate is not a strong enough word.  I loathe, despise, abhor, and resent the hell out of Lyme.

This disease is taking my little boys childhood and turning it into hell.  Hell for him, me, his father, and sisters.  We thought he was on the road to recovery, for close to a year we had a different kid and then just before we were planning to wean treatment he relapsed and all hell broke lose again.  

Funny how in such a short time I had forgotten how bad it could be.  What's worse is that he's a year older now, which translates to a year bigger and a year stronger.  When I get attacked it hurts more and it's more difficult to fend him off.  The words I hate you, you're stupid, and I wish I had a different family somehow hit me harder now.   Watching his face twist with anger as he spits these phrases at me I get flashes of the smiling happy boy that was here 3 months ago and my heart aches.  I want to break down and crumble into a heap of sobs on the floor but I'm Mom so that can't happen.

I am terrified for my son.  Terrified that he will have to live his entire life feeling this way, terrified that if he can't gain control that he will hurt someone, terrified that that someone will be me or one of his sisters, terrified for what his future will be like.

The heart breaking reality is that my boy is sick and despite spending a small fortune on doctors, tests, and medication there is absolutely nothing I can do to make him well.