Summer of Kindness - Act 1

I stumbled on this blog post through Pinterest the other day.  I decided to run with the idea and create a summer of random acts of kindness.  My kids could use the reminder that the world doesn't revolve around them and I'm always looking for character building activities.

We love our small town and are lucky to have a volunteer fire department right up the street.  Last night we made muffins and brownies to take to the men and women that volunteer their time to help our community stay safe.  When we arrived this morning I'm pretty sure we took them by surprise and they weren't sure what to make of us but who could resist these smiling faces bearing gifts?!

We were lucky enough to be invited in the see the fire engines.  The kids even got to sit in the fire engine Santa rides to light the town Christmas tree!

All in all it was a great start to our adventure.  One thing I think we'll need to get used to on the journey is the initial skepticism.  Sad that we live in a time when doing something nice for others is abnormal.  Hopefully we can make some people smile this summer and maybe they will pass it on.  

Being In It

An hour ago, in the middle of a meltdown, my sweet 8 year old boy screamed at me that he wants to kill himself.  He hates his life.
 
How as his Mom, as the person who loves this child more than anyone else in the world, am I supposed to even begin to process that?  My poor Michael is in so much emotional turmoil.  The Lyme is overwhelming him.  He can't think clearly when he gets like this and I am terrified that he may one day actually harm himself.  Again I told him (while hugging him and sobbing) how very much I love him, how devastated I would be if he were not in my life, how important he is to me, and how he is an amazing kid who is so full of good.  I begged him to come talk to me if he's feeling this way, reiterated that he can talk to me about anything, that no matter what he tells me I will still love him 100% and that I will do my best to help him.  Yet I am left to wonder if he heard me.  Did anything I say sink in?

I am not an overly religious person but all I know to do is to hold my son and pray to God to carry him through this, to be with him in the midst of the chaos, and to show me how to help him.

Relapse

I hate Lyme disease.  No that's not true, hate is not a strong enough word.  I loathe, despise, abhor, and resent the hell out of Lyme.

This disease is taking my little boys childhood and turning it into hell.  Hell for him, me, his father, and sisters.  We thought he was on the road to recovery, for close to a year we had a different kid and then just before we were planning to wean treatment he relapsed and all hell broke lose again.  

Funny how in such a short time I had forgotten how bad it could be.  What's worse is that he's a year older now, which translates to a year bigger and a year stronger.  When I get attacked it hurts more and it's more difficult to fend him off.  The words I hate you, you're stupid, and I wish I had a different family somehow hit me harder now.   Watching his face twist with anger as he spits these phrases at me I get flashes of the smiling happy boy that was here 3 months ago and my heart aches.  I want to break down and crumble into a heap of sobs on the floor but I'm Mom so that can't happen.

I am terrified for my son.  Terrified that he will have to live his entire life feeling this way, terrified that if he can't gain control that he will hurt someone, terrified that that someone will be me or one of his sisters, terrified for what his future will be like.

The heart breaking reality is that my boy is sick and despite spending a small fortune on doctors, tests, and medication there is absolutely nothing I can do to make him well.